5. Joel Alme - A Master Of Ceremonies

5. Joel Alme - A Master of Ceremonies

Coming in at #5 and winner of the "Ike Turner Award" is Joel Alme and A Master of Ceremonies.

Like Ike, Joel Alme is a sweetheart...a sweetheart who beats women. Now, there's little evidence behind him actually ever hitting a woman, but I figured if I started enough rumors it could boost my blog's fan base. Bill Murray has two penises. Oprah is a man. Michael Phelps is illiterate. David Letterman can't fart. All of these, I think, are untrue. I made them up, and I'm hoping that people will believe them. And with a little evidence, people are stupid enough to believe anything. Watch and learn: Joel Alme hits women (that's the rumor). Just look at some of the lyrics from A Master of Ceremonies (here comes the evidence).

I remember dreams of you/ but I don't remember beating you black and blue
-or-
If you tell me that you love me I will crush you again

The Swedish bastard even has a song called "I Never Said I Was Brave." He probably should have just called it "I Love Punching Women In The Throat" because that's the least brave thing a person could do. Mr. Alme has no heart. He also kicks little children, flips turtles upside down to watch them struggle, and works part time turning horses into glue. Oh yeah, he also is responsible for the majority of the penis-enlargement pop-up advertisements you get. But despite all of these terrible things I just made up about him, Joel Alme has to be a sweetheart - he makes music like sweetheart (is it gay that I keep using the word sweetheart?). And I guess it would be unfair to judge someone just because he sings about backhanding a woman. By the sound of his music, he probably is a gentleman. I'm sure he holds the door for his girl before he climbs the turnbuckle and elbow-drops her.

But probably what I enjoy best about Joel Alme besides his black-belt in Karate (another rumor) is the fact his music is so comfortable. I'm talking sweatshirt-out-of-the-dryer comfortable. Because of his classic-rock-love-ballad sound you hardly notice he's singing about some pretty deep, painful past relationships. He's kind of like Jens Lekman without the goofiness, Billy Joel without the vagina, or Bruce Springsteen without the cool nickname (I recommend if Joel Alme becomes popular enough, we nickname him "Penis Fingers" just because it's funny to think about someone with penises instead of fingers). It's cozy and unnoticeably dark. Warm yet tough. It's almost like being stoned to death while you're wearing a Snuggie. Or drowning yourself in a tub of marshmallow. Or assaulting your wife while singing "River Deep - Mountain High" together.

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